Today I saw the man who violated my consent, and while I expected to see his face and hate him, I instead felt sad that the events unfolded in such a way. Why do I feel sad? Because I saw in him a desire to once again hold me. Not even in a predatory way, but in a way that you look at someone who perhaps escapes your grasp. I of course walked away. The experience was too heavy and he demonstrated his problematic nature even when I decided to be with him for that brief period of time which I can’t comprehend anymore. I tend to fly away often. I definitely feel like I can’t form a real connection to anyone anymore. This is a very isolating feeling but I think its the reality of being in an in-between place of wanting to run back but having to move forward. I miss everything about being in college, I miss the campus, the office where I spent entire days, the general experience, but I have to move on at some point. What I lack is not a person I think but the emancipation of having a space where my thoughts were acknowledge. Everything seems pretty empty now and I am 24 and I never imagined my life would end up where it is. A few years ago, I would have stayed in that relationship, I would have hated him but eventually formed some attachment of habit and remained in a relationship that made me unhappy. I can’t do that anymore. except it makes me feel frustrated to want something and have nothing.
I tend to expend the majority of my energy on the children, I form relationships, sometimes those relationships shift and I lose something. That’s generally my experience. loss. I feel a great sense of it and I feel it even more when I see people doing what I really long to do. I want to go back to Academia, I don’t want to be in the real world of disenchantment and dialectics. Lately even the children have noticed that my smile while not fake is drained of its sincerity. I want more. I don’t know what is more.