Reason. Why are you here. I have thoughts of hurting myself. silence as notes are taken. Am I a person. or am I a behavior.

The behavior kept worsening. I went from irritable to depressive. The lithium dose kept increasing. My brain couldn’t take it anymore and I would constantly break down. Lithium for me was a brief picture of hell. I could not think, I could only feel my agony. I was only on lithium. I took it every day despite my migraines and lack of clarity. I now regret following orders that were only killing me. I looked at an old poem of mine and noticed that within its borders were the descriptions of my mind. “Death of swing, euthanasia of indulgence, the abortion of the self…” I was slowly sedating my mind into inaction and inability. I wonder whether my diagnosis may have been incorrect. Why did I react so negatively to a drug that saves others? Perhaps I have to remember that the first pages on google search are chosen as the first and that perhaps there are more cases like my own. I was going insane. Irritable by the smallest noise, unable to sleep, registering the farthest voice. I was not this way before the lithium. Why did lithium destabilize me further? I felt no pleasure and was sure everyone hated me. I dragged myself to the hospital unable to understand how to keep myself standing. They only gave me the lithium that was guarding my sanity from returning. I was safe. I wasn’t going after anyone but I was suffering. The medical profession does not care about suffering or inability to think. They care only about whether you are a danger to yourself or others. In some respect they throw you into the situation of wanting nothing but to hurt yourself. Until then you are a success, only after you want to rip your skin apart do they mark you as urgent. I am right now off of all meds. I am thinking clearly, eating, sleeping, and daydreaming again. I am starting to think that perhaps meds are not my answer. Instead I have to find new ways to cope with my irregular emotions. I’m not sure about anything right now. But at least I managed to stay alive.


One thought on “Lithium

  1. I have been put on Lithium a few times since 2014 and each time my doctor tells me the same thing. She reminds me that it’s an older drug and older drugs tend to have more side effects. I mention this in reference to your statement about migraines.

    In reference to the rest of what you felt while on Lithium, the inability to think and the lack of clarity, I just want to say I empathize with you. My entire drug regimen, Lithium included, has caused a dulling of emotions for me, I address it in my last blog post. I recently discussed with my fiancé, who is a doctor, about how the medical profession approaches mental health. What they consider is the goal is safety and thus asymptomatic. However, how it affects your feeling of being human is totally ignored.

    Like you, I continue to take my drugs out of safety. I have Bipolar I and the drugs keep my reckless behavior and suicidal ideation at bay. I struggle with continuing to take them daily.

    Best of luck, keep well.

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