The hospital and depletion

I can’t cry. I had too many breakdowns and now I feel defeated. I just got out of the hospital a few hours ago. I checked myself in, not able to cope with the concept of living anymore. I keep complaining about this feeling but my psychiatrist won’t give me anything but lithium. I find it hard to think and concentrate. I used to have racing thoughts and each paper that I wrote would take half or a third of the time. I can’t handle being like this. Everyone is seeing my destruction. I sat in the emergency room for a long time. Since behaviorally I am quite normal every person that made sure I didn’t harm myself was made to like me. The enchainment of being non-external. I was released after a day. I walked out to the sun, people, and a discomfort in my head. I don’t fit anywhere. I got into a full elevator. I wanted nothing but to run. I haven’t slept for 48 hours. I’m tired but I keep myself up to feel like the failure that I see. I write words that sound empty. I don’t want to be depressed and have energy. I wish someone could help but I don’t know whether any part of my diagnosis is true. I sat with so many wonderful yet helpless people. I wanted nothing but to hug them. I could barely go to the bathroom by myself. I can’t take my half depleted half apparently normal state. I haven’t done any work. I had to reach out to the dean to help me get extensions. I’m a failure. I became useless and I am nothing but a waste of education. Even writing this post is painful. I can’t be a person anymore.

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4 thoughts on “The hospital and depletion

  1. being a person is painful. I’m learning how to be a person after 29 years of no personhood. it’s difficult. but being a person can also be beautiful.

  2. You can be a person. I’ve had a breakdown every day this week. I’ve self-harmed multiple times. My friends have had to pull my catatonic body out of the shower and snap me out of it. I’ve curled up in a ball and just screamed. Every day, though, I’ve gotten up and gone to work and school – even though I want to run and panic and break down again. I’m still a person, though. And you can be, too. This pain will pass. You will survive this. Just hold on a little bit longer.

    • You are so amazing for giving me hope despite your own suffering. Out of all the people I’ve talked to via blogs, it is the people who have suffered who show the most compassion. We keep each other alive because we know how easy it can be to ruin ourselves when our mind no longer functions. Thanks for your comment… It really made me realize that I am not alone. You’re not alone either. I really hope that it becomes easier to be a person for both of us.

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