I don’t remember the last time I saw you. Everything has blurred; I remember the great moments and the bad. I spent ten months in your arms: breathing, sleeping, and safe. I left you because the bad moments were too dark. I also left because I just don’t feel like staying in safety anymore. There is no thrill in being uncertain but at least I can now be with myself. I don’t remember the bad words that were exchanged, or the touches done in anger. I remember instead the video game that we used to play every time we drank. I remember falling asleep in a bed that felt vaguely like mine. Your bed was the only one that I could tolerate. Still I walked away leaving behind the wings that we bought for Halloween. I left the lights that you hung so that I would be at ease. I left the lights that moved in a circle around the wall. I left ears that always listened. I don’t know whether it was as bad as I remember. Distance makes you remember moments in an idealized way. I left this time because I wanted myself. Perhaps I forgot what it was like before the shouting started. The memories fade; I find snippets of your trace. It was ten months where you nursed me when I was sick, ten months of goodnight texts, ten months of shouting, ten months of extraordinary lightness. The love felt heavy, like a chain. I was tired of moving in a tight embrace. I left to seek freedom. Freedom feels oddly unsatisfying and lonely. 11 Months ago from january we met in starbucks. You fell in love with the smile on my face. I fell in love with love again. Everything broke and dilapidated. It all feels so far away. You are now gone and I am trying to make the best of solitude. It hurts.
Dear lonely soul,
I keep trying to listen but instead I run. I have to run because I cannot handle the state of loneliness that currently haunts me. I have read many things and had many conversations with people who don’t understand. They don’t understand the significance of an event that is not unusual but rather recurrent. He left and took away the only thing that I had attempted to create. I am once again entangled in pain. How can you help me? Do you know how to help me? If you are at all connected to the universe, guide me towards safety. His hands left me feeling heavy. And now I am running away from the pain. Stop me from running and instead teach me to be alive. I no longer want hands to hold me. I want my own words to sound in the silence that men leave behind. Dear soul love me and teach me how it is to feel my own self worth. Hands can try to hold me but they will never save me. Salvation lies underneath the thin gossamer of my skin. Shine bright so that I may find you and stop feeling the emptiness of goodbye.
Fingers tracing the body
Followed by vacant thoughts
It was just fingers touching my body
those fingers didn’t seek to trace my soul.
I opened up a heart that was too tired
of emptiness and swords.
There was nothing to keep
except memories that hollow out.
When you desire not yourself but others, you will encounter moments were life appears to be a wall. Everything that you produce is no longer enough. You find yourself not enjoying life but rather staring at it. I can say that most of my life has been a series of entanglements with people who I hoped would love me. The truth is that I found love and I discovered that love is often what destroys me. I get tired of love being not something that liberates me but rather something that holds me back. I guess the reality of my life is that I often create the same chains that then entrap me. But I can’t seem to break the cycle so I search for hope in the same thing that I want to destroy. I can’t say that I am a victim; often I am the one that ruins. I’m starting to think that I don’t deserve anyone. I wish that I would reach a point where being alone would not scare me. I don’t have enough faith or enough independence. I live by hanging on to words that don’t have the promise to appear.