It’s one of those days again. What does that even mean? It’s so easy to hide behind words. Lack of communication always ruins my relationships. I am unable to point out what bothers me. I lost a best friend by not being able to express the hurt that I felt and also by not being able to talk about what truly happened. I may have or may be losing my boyfriend to this lack of communication but still I am not going to cave into a state of vulnerability. Again I refuse to blossom because opening my flower petals would be too difficult. Instead I hide behind thoughts, feelings, and books. And yet I do not know anything.

Every time the end is coming, someone has to say something against me that hurts me. But I say things too so I can’t even be mad about the words used against me. It’s time to keep moving. I’m not sure where I am going but maybe I’m supposed to be alone. 

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It is the time of flower blossoming and new decisions. I have decided to create a new username to portray the person that I become. I shall be Laurel Blossom because I was once just laura and carried only dead flowers but now my soul has blossomed. I am not sure what it means to have a blossoming soul but I think that it means that I have to rid myself of the dead weight that I carry around every day. It’s hard sometimes to not define ourselves by the past and it’s even harder to not become attached to the present. I tend to fight any attachments that I make. I am like the flower who won’t open her petals because I do not want to be pollinated, except in closing myself I fail to feel the sun’s warmth. 

If we are all creatures of energy then I have done a great job at shielding the energy of others. In many ways I wallow in times of independent thinking. Lately I deceived myself into accepting a falsehood. I began to shrivel; I was the one who hated the world. But then somehow I managed to feel people again. Maybe I’m just ready to be around others again. I’m not sure where I am going. But I know that someday I will open my petals and bloom. That will be the most beautiful day. 

Tap Here. Wait for 0. Step on Scale.

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As I sat in the bathtub last night a sudden fear consumed me. You are swollen, swollen with accumulated triglycerides. Maybe I am speaking of the wrong kind of molecules. It has been some times since I have last faced chemistry. But last night was a simple observation of the fear that consumes me. And yet failure feels so tangible and so peaceful.

Tick tock goes life as I sit contemplating. The tick tock never stops unless I am asleep. Even then I wake to the beep beep beep. Wake up! Wake Up! Maybe in eight more minutes but then I have to rush everything. The one thing that takes priority is stepping on the scale. How many joules of energy are in a kcal? I need to burn more energy than I consume but how then can my body not be stressed. I am already stressed by school. Reading, reading, talking, writing, I push buttons at work, I cut tomatoes, I put cheese onto bread. My life feels so insignificant.

There is no one. They have all left so I pester mother five times in the day. I’m happier when I’m alone anyway but solitude is chosen and loneliness is not. Lately my solitude feels like loneliness.

I walk in the street and I suddenly see people, beautiful people who can wear shorts and skirts and not feel inadequate nor judged. I crave to be them and yet my appetite begs me for food. So I walk around choosing the one thing that will make me fail again this week. Do you want more? Any dessert? I want to say yes. I want to not care. Instead I become frustrated and walk away. Too many options. Food is pleasure but I just want to fit into the jeans from last year. And yet I cave to hunger, I cave to anxiety.

Every decision that I make has some weight. Weight is the problem. I won’t even go to the doctor because I don’t want my current weight acknowledge and documented. It is just shame and failure. How many cakes did I eat? And still I cannot make the decision to stay away from the extra pastry, the diet soda, all the foods that should be banned from my life.

I can’t handle living. “I would lust more after you if you were thinner”. “You should lose weight so that the next guy in your life likes you for your body because no one is going to like the real you.”Except the real me doesn’t care about anything but her body. “look at her honey, her things are bigger than mine, we have to do something, she has to lose weight.” The last quote was made by my father. I was much younger and sitting next to him. “You look like such a doll.” “Laura you look so thin.” “Are you eating enough?” “You get thinner every day, it’s sickening”. ” How much weight did you lose.” Calculations of why I suddenly just felt dizzy all the time. “I can’t eat or sleep.” “Here are some pills.” “They make my stomach flush itself out”. “Here are some others”.

It’s torturous to live in the shadow of a fragmented self. The real self who lies behind the self-hatred who is beautiful and the self that dominates within one’s life that is the self-hatred. It isn’t easy.

Here are some things that I refuse to do because of my self-hatred:

Swimming ( Being in a bathing suit is damnation).

Socializing ( If there’s food or alcohol leave me out).

Wearing whatever I like ( Because like certain clothes just make you look fatter right?)

This list is vastly long but I can say that I can’t even enjoy vacation because all rooms have mirrors, and mirrors show flaws. And also because I can’t control the food that I eat and I cannot exercise which destroys everything.

 

I guess I just needed to say something. This is somewhat superficial but it needed to be written because inside of me this lies deeply and affects me every day.

 

I used to crave the world. I wanted nothing except to live but even living has a cost.

Last year I hid under the comfort of conformity. The comfort saved me but it didn’t shake me out of my darkness. I’m not sure where I stand today. What I can write is that loss permeates the air of my existence.And after two spelling mistakes, I can also talk about the loss of my independence from computer generated programs.

Who am I and where am I going? I can begin by saying that today I feel a terrible sense of loneliness. It’s like Rutgers during the end of finals week. You walk around and see no one and you suddenly realize your place in the world. We create versions of the world but those versions are our own only. I suppose that literature is the only way for one human experience to trespass to others.

I’m not sure if my place in the world is even worth keeping. I have lost three best friends since college began. In some ways it doesn’t matter. My mind is really confused about how to feel.

I have lived in so much need to control my life that in the process, I have not lived. I took charge of being like my mother who hid me from the dangers of the world by making me stay at home.

I am tired of doing things that lead to nothing except loss.I recently had a lecture on commas. But does a comma truly matter within life? Or is it just a way to fit into a pre-determined role?

Transcendent Travels

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The flood of wonder suddenly broke apart my soul. I was no longer entrapped within my brain but floated towards the universe. The lights danced around my physical location and parts of my soul went away with them. I was still the same person but a weight had been lifted from my soul. How silly it seemed that the world appears to be so difficult and unreachable. In one room I had found the way to feel infinite. “And in that moment I swear, we were infinite” (The perks of being a wallflower). It’s so nice to stop observing and to actually feel. When your soul connects to the universe, you can’t help but to delight in the sudden harmony.  And when you look at the beautiful colors beside you forming into a person, you cannot help but to fall into a state of hypnosis by sitting next to the person who loves you. You want to somehow break yourself apart so that the person on your side can fully see you. But you are limited so you use the time to fill in some gaps; you know that the end and darkness are soon coming. How does beauty turn into a nightmare?

And as you sit with the melody of your favorite song, the world explodes into a star filled version of itself. But little by little the end pokes it’s head into your fantasy. And you sit again in some state of dullness. Why? You are capable of creating magic but settle for some realistic garbage. I resolve to live a life of constant magic. What is more magical than tea, books, and music? I suppose the one replication that I cannot attain is to free myself from the gnawing of my thoughts. Without negative thoughts, I am full of happiness, clarity, and wonder. Thoughts will not control me or my relationships. I refuse to let my mind drag me down anymore.