I am soothing my throat with a honey/lemon green tea concoction. It glides down my throat in a pleasant sweetness. I feel guilty drinking it because I must wonder how much sugar I am consuming at this moment. But that question has a concrete answer. What scares me the most are the unanswered questions in my life.
Like Sun. Who is sun? Sun is a person who comes at me with hope. Hope is a many feathered thing;
|“Hope is the thing with feathers|
|That perches in the soul,|
|And sings the tune without the words,|
|And never stops at all,”|
The implication of hope is that it is a fleeting thing. We as humans ask for permanence. It is only now that I see the pattern in the things that inspire me to run away. They are the people, the classes, the events, that don’t promise a happily ever after but rather offer a challenge. Sometimes the challenge is a feeling that cannot be sustained. Sometimes it is the class where a professor screams “study or you will fail”. I can’t handle failure and I can’t handle the aftermath of goodbye.
I love the concept of love but I avoid it; I have become my worst enemy. I scurry from the things that I cannot control. I take the class that I know I love. In the end I do not take risks that push me away from my insulated bubble. The reason that I most love the concept of religion is because it offers me eternal hope. Everything can fail but religion will always be there to heal your pain.
Sun is a light but he does not promise to light my path. He only promises to hold my hand until we reach the dark. I wonder when dark will be made evident. I wonder if goodbye will happen. I can’t even recall how I lasted in long term relationships. The difference between sun and other people before him is that he actually scares me. It frightens me to think of the loss his disappearance would bring me.
Should I stay or should I go? It’s funny I wrote some words but all that I can think about is the clash song. Music will never be the same. It suddenly just holds too many memories and too much meaning.