Where should I start. Maybe I will begin with exhibit a. This evidence that portrays my need for validation. That was a version of myself who had no set personality. She lived to find men who wanted her solely for her physicality.

But in the end I found nothing. I found beds and lips and then rejection. Why rejection? Because sometimes men don’t stay after you tell them no. Some men got through me. They convinced me that we had some deep connection and they had me. They either bonded me to them or they threw me away. Both were such a burden to my free spirit. One caged me and the other left a vacancy within me.

I’m far from broken but I do realize that some men don’t want anything except a body to hold, or to fuck, and they forget that women are not objects but individuals. The media sell women as these figures of desire. Look at that pose. Those lips, that stare, that short overall. Behind this pose is nothing. This was my attempt at maintaining a boy who would just leave me.

I can’t help but mistrust. Let’s have a fun time, be awesome. I can be awesome just don’t rush me into it. In a way it’s as though everyone wants to withhold emotions and personal conversations but they long to feel a promise of physicality. A man once told me that I would be awesome if I just stopped over thinking and lived. What is living though? Why must we live as though the world will end if we don’t see a person immediately, and just feel their arm around ours?

What is the scent of darkness? It is the deepest desire. I will not pretend to not feel desire. But I refuse to sell some fun version of myself. I can be fun but I am not one of those girls who sell their worth for a compliment. I was once naïve and superficial. Now I am the girl who realizes how much goes into a stare. I don’t want to give out a picture to many but rather want to let one see what real desire looks like. Not the one that mimics the magazine look but the real awkward one with laughter and sensuality. One that isn’t forced but happens.


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