I just Wanted to Write

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

We have to fall so that we may learn to rise.

There were three moments that changed my life: My last suicide attempt, Breaking off my Engagement, and the heartbreak of feeling used.

The three moments are written out in order. What Can I say about them? I can tell you that I felt no love during those times. How did I even get suicidal? I wish I had a rational explanation but I don’t. I just became a pill popper in an attempt to not face the fear and sadness that consumed me. I used to sleep. Sleeping Beauty may seem like just a story but it was my life. I just slept through my days and I awaited some salvation that was never going to come.

I remember the day. I was on the phone and I was begging my then lover to stay on the phone with me. “I will kill myself,” I blurted, unaware of the damage that I was inflicting on myself. I didn’t matter. My existence had no purpose. I was too deeply separated from life. I took a combination of pills, cough medication, and went to sleep. I awoke shaking, my heart raced. “Mom, help me I took ten tylenol pm, ten benadryl, half a bottle of nyquil”

“Why Laura?”

“Because I wanted to die.”

Death could have been a possibility. But it was not my time. The shaking ceased as I drank water and from then on I never again played with pills.

What did I learn?

I learned that my life is fragile and that my actions affect those around me.

A failed engagement was the last thing I expected to attain at twenty years of living. But before I knew it, I was entrapped within a relationship that worked through jealousy and betrayal. There is too much I could say but what I can most remember was the aftermath of breaking the engagement. I tried to fix what I had once idealized. Instead I ended up as an object to be used, and thrown around. One day I finally truly did end it. What did I learn?

Relationships don’t mean happiness. People cannot be idealized and happiness cannot be found within any one person.

I clung to anyone after my failed relationship. I stumbled upon a man who was older, richer, and arrogant. At first I thought that I loved him. The moments were my idea of perfect. Sitting in his patio, looking out towards the skyline from the hudson walkway, walking in the city, being a princess. But then it took me too far away from myself. I ended up in a strip club with too much too drink. Woke up without my dignity. He stopped talking to me for two months. It hurt me that I had betrayed myself but also that he had taken away some part of me. He lied and I believed him

What did I learn?

That love is not found in ideal situations. Also, words do not always contain truth; sometimes words function to manipulate and blind people.

Ultimately though, I have learned that my self-worth does not falter with my sins and shortcomings but that instead my sins and shortcomings have led me towards the self-fulfillment of finding my own strength. In a world of illusions and pretty lies, I can see what others try to hide. And I can try to help those who like me have fallen not once but multiple times.

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