For Once This Post is not about Pain or Heart-Break

It’s nearing the end of the year. You can feel it in the Christmas trees that will now begin to come down. I sat yesterday at mass and I wallowed in the songs that will now be put to rest until next year comes around again. It’s still Christmas technically but in consumerism it is after Christmas and now malls will regain their equilibrium; people will forget about relatives and move on. Except this poem is not about a social commentary. But my thoughts they drift towards vastness.

It is the end of the year, except this year I am not sad that a new year is coming but thrilled that God has given me the opportunity to live again. I spent a myriad of days contemplating how freedom would feel. I never knew that freedom would include me finally accepting God. This wasn’t supposed to be a religious post either. But it’s difficult to write without incorporating thoughts that continuously surge through me.

I read today an old newspaper commentary about the meaning of Santa Claus. Why do we need Santa Claus? He makes sense in a society that tries to separate church and state. But the post itself talked about how it is the things that we cannot see that bring beauty and love into our lives. I would have once disagreed. I used to think that arms meant the world. A kiss was not a kiss but a connection to the soul. And then one day while speaking to a priest he explained why a kiss feels so significant. Physical love does not require us to open up the dusty parts of our souls. Except physical love plunges us into a world that we often find to be disappointing. Our souls, our minds they crave to be loved but in physical love we place them into an insignificant alignment.

Yesterday while I was reading the gospel, I found a truth that I had ignored for so long: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind” (John 1:1-5). One time in confession the priest looked at me and he told me “Wow you were dead, and now you are alive through the grace of god”. It’s hard for me to write these words because they prove how wrong I have lived for the last maybe 8 years. The sins that we make, the mortal ones that we make, they are our way to find the truth that God alone can give us. God is the truth; he speaks to us in scripture but we ignore him often and hear words. We fail to see him. God has been around for years through prophets. His language is our gift. He touches our hearts and heals us. He gave us his son, as a human. We are not alone, even in our sins, he holds us. He allows us to repent and to try and try again. Not even a parent has that much patience. God is a part of us, a part which we cannot see. But we still feel him, and if we can’t he waits and tries to touch us so that we may one day be with him.

This post went very far from my original intentions but I’m glad that I finally had the courage to say these words. I can tell you that my life has changed radically since I began to follow God’s teachings. But maybe I don’t have to tell you. God is our treasure. He will put what we seek into our lives. I am no longer afraid to walk in darkness because God is my light. I am 21 now and many men have tried to break me down. But only God has built me up. I am not ashamed of my past. It made me who I am now. I am only eager to see what God will give me in the future. Of course God helps but does not give freely. He wants us to put in our effort, not just in prayer but in life. God gave us gifts so that we may use them and glorify him. Next year will hopefully be filled with love, God, and experiences. I am God’s daughter. Someone who came from the darkness of depression, from accepting physical love, and who is now finding that God is the answer to every time that life tries to break us. I used to beg God to kill me. Now I beg God to heal me but that has been done so now I beg God to heal those who were once lost in the same way. And I beg God to grant me the capacity to help people because the best way to pass on God’s love is through our own actions. 2014 I am ready to face you.

Running Away

I had this dream once

of a beautiful love

full of laughter, cuddling, and hope.

Instead I found a thing

What is thing?

Thing is a man who claims my body.

He treats me like I am only a commodity.

Netfllix is on, but his hand just gropes

my lying body.

I stand up, “Take me home”

I had not even a license to go home;

My parents did not know.

I could never rely on my father for a ride,

So instead I lay back down and I let this man

Ridicule me with his strong movements, away and into me.

“End, End, End I begged the air

Fake, Fake, Fake the air breathed back.

I am wearing a glittery dress, my shoes are killers

They are beautiful but they ache my bones

We stand on the dock outside a ball

He pulls out a note, “Marry me”

I hear the echoes of my many stifled cries

This is it, it will never be better

I was entrapped by a fear to face the world alone

You see my mother she never knew how to breathe

unless my dad sternly told her to keep doing it.

Yes? I grabbed the ring and put it on my finger

That’s not the way. But if he was going to make me a wife,

I wanted to place the bondage on my own arm,

The bondage twinkled, it seemed beautiful,

But it was only an illusion.

So one day as we lay playing connect four,

I hit this man’s head. I awoke from my sleeping syndrome

And my fist hit his skull, he looked at me shocked

He tried to grab me, and one last time I let him have me.

Is this the story of one man, or is this the story of the misogynists who

have walked and claimed to map my body?

Glamor kills. What does this mean and how is it relevant?

The glamour of a pretty love story, the glamour of drinks, and patios

I sit in some dark bar, I turn to the erotic dancer next to me and I say

We are all performers, You are performing for everyone, and I am here

performing for him, I laughed and she laughed at the absurdity of the truth.

Liquor fades, I wake up and run away from all the careless sins

from all the shackles of money and illusion.

I begin to breathe again.

I seek not a man but me.

 

You stabbed my heart, here’s my response

“Some people are so poor, all they have is money.”

― Patrick Meagher

Why am I bothering to write this post? Because you need to hear these words. You are so enwrapped in yourself that you fail to see the flaw in the way you perceive the world. Maybe it’ not a flaw. But thinking that you have to make a girl’s time worth her while is a clear indication that you see the world as a transaction. Your time is never worth the while of anyone who is not seeking to use a person. I never wanted the things that you could buy me. I just wanted to know you and then I thought that behind your careless facade, there was a man seeking something beyond beauty and sex. But you just want to spend your time having a good time. The sad part about it all is that at the end of the day, as you lay on your bed alone, you feel an emptiness settle upon you. And then you try to buy someone else off so that they may fill that void. Money will never fill any voids. Real love will cure all ailments of loneliness. I am not rich. I work to buy all the things that I have. My parents too help me pay for a good majority of my things. But despite the fact that I don’t vacation monthly or weekly, I am happy. I am happy because I love myself, because I can be at peace when I am sober and alone. You made me despise dating but I am getting through that now. You only came back because the other girl that you were seeing left your life. She is too far for her to be satisfactory. I have a lot of insight when it comes to men who are manipulating. You think that talking sweetly will grant you a girl. You think that your money is the only thing that you need. But it’s worthless. You have this great condo, this beautiful patio, and you take pride in your fashion. But it means nothing when your soul is missing. I have seen beyond your painted chivalry. You are a vile person. And I have a right to say that because what you did to me was terrible. I don’t want to ever see you again. I was willing to help you. But you don’t need my help nor my friendship. You were just trying to get back what you lost. Go seek another girl who can’t see your real interior. I hope that one day you find life again because it is clear that you are so lost in your capitalist idolatry that you miss the real beauty of the world. I hope that one day you will be able to find life again. Until then happy drinking, smoking, eating, and all the things that only bring momentary satisfaction. 

I am sitting and it is almost midnight. The lights outside change from purple to red. I am tired but I need to finish some homework. I don’t know how I feel. Just that this year has been long and it really took a toll on my heart. The year is almost finished. So much happened. I look back and see a much younger version of myself. This version was not me though. It was a character within a book. 

This character, she, was lost. I can’t spell out why she failed. But she did end up in a better place. Still how did everything happen the way it did? I love my character though. She loved openly and freely and the world did not break her. 

We have all hur…

We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.
-Nayyirah Waheed

I just Wanted to Write

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

We have to fall so that we may learn to rise.

There were three moments that changed my life: My last suicide attempt, Breaking off my Engagement, and the heartbreak of feeling used.

The three moments are written out in order. What Can I say about them? I can tell you that I felt no love during those times. How did I even get suicidal? I wish I had a rational explanation but I don’t. I just became a pill popper in an attempt to not face the fear and sadness that consumed me. I used to sleep. Sleeping Beauty may seem like just a story but it was my life. I just slept through my days and I awaited some salvation that was never going to come.

I remember the day. I was on the phone and I was begging my then lover to stay on the phone with me. “I will kill myself,” I blurted, unaware of the damage that I was inflicting on myself. I didn’t matter. My existence had no purpose. I was too deeply separated from life. I took a combination of pills, cough medication, and went to sleep. I awoke shaking, my heart raced. “Mom, help me I took ten tylenol pm, ten benadryl, half a bottle of nyquil”

“Why Laura?”

“Because I wanted to die.”

Death could have been a possibility. But it was not my time. The shaking ceased as I drank water and from then on I never again played with pills.

What did I learn?

I learned that my life is fragile and that my actions affect those around me.

A failed engagement was the last thing I expected to attain at twenty years of living. But before I knew it, I was entrapped within a relationship that worked through jealousy and betrayal. There is too much I could say but what I can most remember was the aftermath of breaking the engagement. I tried to fix what I had once idealized. Instead I ended up as an object to be used, and thrown around. One day I finally truly did end it. What did I learn?

Relationships don’t mean happiness. People cannot be idealized and happiness cannot be found within any one person.

I clung to anyone after my failed relationship. I stumbled upon a man who was older, richer, and arrogant. At first I thought that I loved him. The moments were my idea of perfect. Sitting in his patio, looking out towards the skyline from the hudson walkway, walking in the city, being a princess. But then it took me too far away from myself. I ended up in a strip club with too much too drink. Woke up without my dignity. He stopped talking to me for two months. It hurt me that I had betrayed myself but also that he had taken away some part of me. He lied and I believed him

What did I learn?

That love is not found in ideal situations. Also, words do not always contain truth; sometimes words function to manipulate and blind people.

Ultimately though, I have learned that my self-worth does not falter with my sins and shortcomings but that instead my sins and shortcomings have led me towards the self-fulfillment of finding my own strength. In a world of illusions and pretty lies, I can see what others try to hide. And I can try to help those who like me have fallen not once but multiple times.