It’s nearing the end of the year. You can feel it in the Christmas trees that will now begin to come down. I sat yesterday at mass and I wallowed in the songs that will now be put to rest until next year comes around again. It’s still Christmas technically but in consumerism it is after Christmas and now malls will regain their equilibrium; people will forget about relatives and move on. Except this poem is not about a social commentary. But my thoughts they drift towards vastness.
It is the end of the year, except this year I am not sad that a new year is coming but thrilled that God has given me the opportunity to live again. I spent a myriad of days contemplating how freedom would feel. I never knew that freedom would include me finally accepting God. This wasn’t supposed to be a religious post either. But it’s difficult to write without incorporating thoughts that continuously surge through me.
I read today an old newspaper commentary about the meaning of Santa Claus. Why do we need Santa Claus? He makes sense in a society that tries to separate church and state. But the post itself talked about how it is the things that we cannot see that bring beauty and love into our lives. I would have once disagreed. I used to think that arms meant the world. A kiss was not a kiss but a connection to the soul. And then one day while speaking to a priest he explained why a kiss feels so significant. Physical love does not require us to open up the dusty parts of our souls. Except physical love plunges us into a world that we often find to be disappointing. Our souls, our minds they crave to be loved but in physical love we place them into an insignificant alignment.
Yesterday while I was reading the gospel, I found a truth that I had ignored for so long: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind” (John 1:1-5). One time in confession the priest looked at me and he told me “Wow you were dead, and now you are alive through the grace of god”. It’s hard for me to write these words because they prove how wrong I have lived for the last maybe 8 years. The sins that we make, the mortal ones that we make, they are our way to find the truth that God alone can give us. God is the truth; he speaks to us in scripture but we ignore him often and hear words. We fail to see him. God has been around for years through prophets. His language is our gift. He touches our hearts and heals us. He gave us his son, as a human. We are not alone, even in our sins, he holds us. He allows us to repent and to try and try again. Not even a parent has that much patience. God is a part of us, a part which we cannot see. But we still feel him, and if we can’t he waits and tries to touch us so that we may one day be with him.
This post went very far from my original intentions but I’m glad that I finally had the courage to say these words. I can tell you that my life has changed radically since I began to follow God’s teachings. But maybe I don’t have to tell you. God is our treasure. He will put what we seek into our lives. I am no longer afraid to walk in darkness because God is my light. I am 21 now and many men have tried to break me down. But only God has built me up. I am not ashamed of my past. It made me who I am now. I am only eager to see what God will give me in the future. Of course God helps but does not give freely. He wants us to put in our effort, not just in prayer but in life. God gave us gifts so that we may use them and glorify him. Next year will hopefully be filled with love, God, and experiences. I am God’s daughter. Someone who came from the darkness of depression, from accepting physical love, and who is now finding that God is the answer to every time that life tries to break us. I used to beg God to kill me. Now I beg God to heal me but that has been done so now I beg God to heal those who were once lost in the same way. And I beg God to grant me the capacity to help people because the best way to pass on God’s love is through our own actions. 2014 I am ready to face you.