“You will never be good enough.”

“Lindsay am I fat?”

I wasn’t but I thought that I was. I ate a whole cake one day. And before I knew it, food became a habit. 25 lbs later and I am picking myself up again. I think back to this specific night that happened last spring.

I have a picture.

Image

We were having some fight. And before I knew it, he brought up my body. “You should lose weight so the next guy falls in love with your body because no one else is going to like the real you”. The thoughts swirled around my head in a constant motion. Too many drinks cloud my memory. But I recall crying. I remember calling the guy who I was talking to and crying. And the tears fell and fell. I wasn’t home. I felt so hurt that he was calling me fat. I felt fat. And soon after I just let my self-control plummet.

“It would gross me out whenever I saw you naked with all your stretch marks”.

Until he said that, I thought that he accepted my shortcomings. My favorite thing about his body was the one scar on his abdomen. I don’t think that I embraced the pain right away. I pretended like it never happened. Then one night, when he came back, I was drunk and we were about to have sex.

“I’m disgusting, you think I’m disgusting”, the words came, tripping the moment, entangled with my tears. I had never before cried over alcohol but I did.

It was always a torment. He had an enormous amount of power over my mental being. I am leaving down the fears, that he left inside of me, in this post.

I have been the girl who flings herself into pain. It’s time I heal my body and mind.

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