I spent the last seven years attempting to always have something with someone. I needed a person to feel relevant, attractive, and to know that life would continue spinning. I am finally alone. Alone in the single sense. I suppose I’m still on some guy’s radar but they are not in mine.
I used to think alone would feel frightening. But it just feels tangible. For once in my life I am not worrying about a text message, or the way I say something. I am just focusing on my own growth.
It’s lonely sometimes. I miss the feeling of ecstasy that comes with new love. I miss the cuddling, the spooning, sleeping and waking next to someone in my most naked state. No make-up, just a t-shirt and a blanket can become another world.
At the same time the last seven years have taught me that sometimes alone is better than being in a bad relationship. I spent so much fighting for something that would inevitably break anyway. I used to often think of what to buy, how to dress, to somehow keep this person invested in me physically. But a relationship that does not extend outside the physical never reaches real intimacy. Real intimacy to me is truly begin able to talk without worry to another person. no pauses, just talking. And when they speak you can’t help but smile. Sex feels good. But finding someone who can communicate with you on the same level is rare. It makes the soul feel liberated. Finally someone cares about the scattered thoughts inside your head.
I am alone right now. But I do not regret my state of being. I want to wait for someone who truly wants to devour me, my thoughts included. Until then I’ll be alone, writing, and sharing the world with those I call my friends. There is no better way to live anyway.