“A double jack on the rocks” The drink is there before me; No chaser I note but do not hesitate to drink it in. At first the effect is not felt and suddenly everything seems lighter, dreamier, more beautiful. I look at the erotic dancers and compare their moving styles. On one corner dances a girl moving rapturously to the beat, and on the other dances a girl moving only slightly almost modeling. Talk is cheap but it holds the night together. We talked about sporadic topics. Each topic left my knowledge as the night proceeded. It is sunday today so of course I have not heard from you. I’m sitting right now, contemplating my sins, my biggest one. I told you I loved you. What does that even mean? Do I?
It’s very much irrelevant because I am only a play thing to you. I used to be naive, the lucid day-dreamer. And then dating made me fall into a state of consistent doubting. If love was a religion, I wouldn’t be against it but I would not worship what often proves fruitless.
I spent the last seven years attempting to always have something with someone. I needed a person to feel relevant, attractive, and to know that life would continue spinning. I am finally alone. Alone in the single sense. I suppose I’m still on some guy’s radar but they are not in mine.
I used to think alone would feel frightening. But it just feels tangible. For once in my life I am not worrying about a text message, or the way I say something. I am just focusing on my own growth.
It’s lonely sometimes. I miss the feeling of ecstasy that comes with new love. I miss the cuddling, the spooning, sleeping and waking next to someone in my most naked state. No make-up, just a t-shirt and a blanket can become another world.
At the same time the last seven years have taught me that sometimes alone is better than being in a bad relationship. I spent so much fighting for something that would inevitably break anyway. I used to often think of what to buy, how to dress, to somehow keep this person invested in me physically. But a relationship that does not extend outside the physical never reaches real intimacy. Real intimacy to me is truly begin able to talk without worry to another person. no pauses, just talking. And when they speak you can’t help but smile. Sex feels good. But finding someone who can communicate with you on the same level is rare. It makes the soul feel liberated. Finally someone cares about the scattered thoughts inside your head.
I am alone right now. But I do not regret my state of being. I want to wait for someone who truly wants to devour me, my thoughts included. Until then I’ll be alone, writing, and sharing the world with those I call my friends. There is no better way to live anyway.