Old friends

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We were two girls who met by chance; our friendship began through tea parties, dress up days, and British pop. I still have the pictures on my wall. Take them down? I can’t. They signify my childhood, my innocence. I know I could have been a better friend but I was also trapped in dysfunctional relationships with people. Most of the people from the past have slipped from my heart, but you haven’t. You helped me find light through some of my hardest days. I know we failed each other in the end. We were too trapped to save anything. But sometimes I think about everything that we did together and I miss that part of the storm that represented high school. It is said that we reach for the love we think we deserve. We found each other because of our inability to maintain relationships.  I think you were a wonderful influence in my growing up. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend. You told me a story about a boy. Why would I tell anyone or laugh about it? Life is hard and people struggle. The struggles of others is no reason to laugh. Let’s get lost. The book sits on my bookshelf. I recall when I read it and how it just seemed perfect for you. You are in art school. I am in college, much part of the people you longed to leave behind. We have all struggled Eva. Every one of us was selfish and noxious. Drama still flutters throughout. It’s hard to escape instability. At therapy once, I was told that I was so used to roller coaster relationships, that I was incapable of being in a place of stability. I feel like a terrible storm sometimes. I sometimes break people unintentionally. I hope I didn’t break you but I think my inability to be there for you, only hurt you more. I was immature and so vulnerable. I am still vulnerable. My life itself much like yours resembles my past. I have come far though and I no longer break myself. I miss you Eva. I look for you in polaroid cameras, record players, and each time wonderwall plays I miss our childhood nick names. I still have the shirt we made for twin day. I love you Eva. I hope you know that you are significant to people. I think that my life is still too volatile for me to be a good friend to you. Just know though that you are worth a lot to me. I’m sorry for being part of the storm. I wish you the best. Thank you for being my lovely friend.

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