Old friends

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We were two girls who met by chance; our friendship began through tea parties, dress up days, and British pop. I still have the pictures on my wall. Take them down? I can’t. They signify my childhood, my innocence. I know I could have been a better friend but I was also trapped in dysfunctional relationships with people. Most of the people from the past have slipped from my heart, but you haven’t. You helped me find light through some of my hardest days. I know we failed each other in the end. We were too trapped to save anything. But sometimes I think about everything that we did together and I miss that part of the storm that represented high school. It is said that we reach for the love we think we deserve. We found each other because of our inability to maintain relationships.  I think you were a wonderful influence in my growing up. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend. You told me a story about a boy. Why would I tell anyone or laugh about it? Life is hard and people struggle. The struggles of others is no reason to laugh. Let’s get lost. The book sits on my bookshelf. I recall when I read it and how it just seemed perfect for you. You are in art school. I am in college, much part of the people you longed to leave behind. We have all struggled Eva. Every one of us was selfish and noxious. Drama still flutters throughout. It’s hard to escape instability. At therapy once, I was told that I was so used to roller coaster relationships, that I was incapable of being in a place of stability. I feel like a terrible storm sometimes. I sometimes break people unintentionally. I hope I didn’t break you but I think my inability to be there for you, only hurt you more. I was immature and so vulnerable. I am still vulnerable. My life itself much like yours resembles my past. I have come far though and I no longer break myself. I miss you Eva. I look for you in polaroid cameras, record players, and each time wonderwall plays I miss our childhood nick names. I still have the shirt we made for twin day. I love you Eva. I hope you know that you are significant to people. I think that my life is still too volatile for me to be a good friend to you. Just know though that you are worth a lot to me. I’m sorry for being part of the storm. I wish you the best. Thank you for being my lovely friend.

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What is happiness?

Happiness is a feeling of deep satisfaction. It is not found long-term within an alcohol bottle. It is also not found in another person. Happiness is a self-inflicted emotion. It however cannot be found, it is simply felt. And it is not permanent but fleeting.

Happiness is attainable. The contentment of having someone share your bed with you. Not the person who leaves immediately but the person who stays with you in bed until one in the afternoon. It’s true happiness when they return. Otherwise it was a temporary escape from the world.

Happiness is a day at an amusement park. Moments of laughing as you wait in line. The rushing euphoria as the fear of feeling transcends through your veins. Make the best of the day. If a boy leaves you at the park, rejoice at the freedom you suddenly feel. Share a meal with an old friend. Buy a chocolate milkshake though the day is cold and the next day you’ll have no voice.

Happiness is free from worry. It is inhibited by daily stress. Run to flee from life constraints. Feel the dopamine flood your brain. Smile as the sweat begins to trickle down your face. Push, push, until the pain within your muscles fades.

Happiness is a lasting relationship with the people who shared your childhood. It is calling the person who will not judge you, to confess you miss the old days. Not the good ones but the ones you pushed away. Happiness is the person who holds you as cry, it is the person who you can call at times of dire need and they will be there for you. Happiness is your friend’s dog who still remembers you and wags their tail even though it’s been half a year since you last visited the house.

Happiness is not an emotion. It is a moment. Happiness is a happy ending. A happy ending is still an ending. Happiness is the knowledge that there is more to come. Happiness is felt even in sadness. It is called hope.

What is happiness? I do not know. But it is not a person, it is not a drug, it is not a thing bought. It is either there or it isn’t. It is an interpretation of a moment. It just is.