A year ago I was stuck in this same situation. What situation? The situation of feeling inadequate and lonely. I look around and see only four walls, the materialistic things I have acquired, and not much else. I recall last year, it was around this time that I once again began to talk to Mike again. A part of me wants to call that a mistake, another part appreciates the memories. The plane rides to hotel rooms in far away places. The first again kisses, the euphoric desire. It died at some point. But now so far away from the situation, I stopped looking at what went wrong, and just miss the feeling of consistent affection.
Consistent affection. Being liked, being loved. Except I don’t want that with just anyone. I don’t want to force anything to happen. It should just feel right. I’m making this new rule. I refuse to be with anyone who doesn’t make me feel something. It’s so easy in this day and time to just be with someone. It’s so hard to be with someone who means anything. Or maybe that’s just me. A month ago, a bit more than a month, I thought i found something special, but I left it in a confusion, in a bed, it walked away.
Sadness over feeling used. Confussion over rejection. Tired and taxed from work and finals. summer needs to come, but first obstacles must be ducked. I gave him my heart, he gave me “it’s not okay”. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I leave my heart on the table. There it lies collecting dust. Goodbye sophomore year. Once again, you made me learn, not just about school, but about life. Life works in paradoxical paths, the boy you like, doesn’t like you, the one who does like you, inspires nothing from you, and the story leaves you feeling empty and inadequate.