Packing what Remains

The blue shirt, is that in the case? Necklaces, shiny, they are packed away. There’s the shiny dress from the ball, the box with the necklace, and the kitty mask you never wore. Packing is a physical action but it often leads to finding old memories and as we stumble we realize how we got here.

I started the year in a different plane. My hair was black, it was a different cut, my make-up choices too were different, as for my clothes, they’re somewhat the same. Some things go through a slow change. I was also in a secure relationship. Today as I pack, nothing remains of that time. 

Packing away the past. It’s an activity of leaving behind a place; next time you come back nothing will be the same. We shed our old skins, we become the people who we want to be, sometimes that person is not the best. Today I pack away the memories of a year that truly changed my perspective. I used to be naive, and I used to desire someone. I am now just secure? I’m actually exhausted. I miss my eight hours of sleep a night phase. 

I might have gotten a c in chem. I don’t even care. As we get older, we learn that grades don’t matter. What did you learn? What can you transfer to your life. If the answer is nothing, the class does not matter.

 Who Am I? And how did I get here? Tomorrow begins today, the song in my background sings. What does it mean? Here is a toast to the fake friends I so easily made. And if the wine is too weak, here is a shot to the guys who undervalued me. Thank you because you taught me to trust no one. Here is a glass of rose champagne to me, for living through so much bullshit. 

Yes I am talking about the friends that I lost. I am talking about the sadness that I often escaped by kissing boys who meant nothing. I want you to know that it meant nothing. Who is the you? Who Am I addressing? 

If they all meant nothing, then the boy who means something is the first person to feel significant. Except significant doesn’t mean a pleasant situation. The last one got what he wanted, and then walked away. I wish life supplied you with those who actually love you. but the world is a fake place and if it wasn’t for the beauty of music and writing, I would want nothing from it. 

This year is over. I am packing away the physical remains that I was here. 

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The Things Happy People Know

Thought Catalog

Happy people know that everything is fleeting. They know that the struggles they face will pass, but at the same time, they also know that the great things that are in their lives will pass as well. Happy people live in the moment.

Happy people don’t call themselves “happy people” or think of themselves that way. They define happiness as a sense of peacefulness and contentment mixed with pursuing their deepest passions. This is what happy people know.

They know that few things matter more than how much you love everyone, starting with yourself. They know that loving yourself means respecting yourself and doing for yourself what will make you the best you possible.

They know that nothing should be taken too seriously, and that all they give will be returned to them twofold. They know that there is a greater plan and a higher force. They live in awe…

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19 Ways To Love Yourself

Thought Catalog

1. Draw a long, hot bath (even if this means waiting until you go back to your parents’ house for a visit where there is an actual bathtub), light a bunch of candles, get a glass of chilled white wine and a book. Enjoy that for as long as it continues to feel amazing, or at least your fingers don’t get too pruny.

2. Buy yourself some candles, including little cheapie tea candles. Scatter those things everywhere and watch your life immediately improve.

3. Get fresh-cut flowers every once in a while.

4. Whenever the weather is nice outside, make an effort to spend sometime in the sun — even if it’s only by an open window — and just look around for a while, enjoying how beautiful and fresh everything looks.

5. Go to a pet store and/or rescue shelter and say hello to all of the adorable animals…

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A Toast to the End of Yet Another Terrible Mistake of Spring Semester

A year ago I was stuck in this same situation. What situation? The situation of feeling inadequate and lonely. I look around and see only four walls, the materialistic things I have acquired, and not much else. I recall last year, it was around this time that I once again began to talk to Mike again. A part of me wants to call that a mistake, another part appreciates the memories. The plane rides to hotel rooms in far away places. The first again kisses, the euphoric desire. It died at some point. But now so far away from the situation, I stopped looking at what went wrong, and just miss the feeling of consistent affection. 

Consistent affection. Being liked, being loved. Except I don’t want that with just anyone. I don’t want to force anything to happen. It should just feel right. I’m making this new rule. I refuse to be with anyone who doesn’t make me feel something. It’s so easy in this day and time to just be with someone. It’s so hard to be with someone who means anything. Or maybe that’s just me. A month ago, a bit more than a month, I thought i found something special, but I left it in a confusion, in a bed, it walked away. 

Sadness over feeling used. Confussion over rejection. Tired and taxed from work and finals. summer needs to come, but first obstacles must be ducked. I gave him my heart, he gave me “it’s not okay”. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I leave my heart on the table. There it lies collecting dust. Goodbye sophomore year. Once again, you made me learn, not just about school, but about life. Life works in paradoxical paths, the boy you like, doesn’t like you, the one who does like you, inspires nothing from you, and the story leaves you feeling empty and inadequate. 

Must Have Done Something Wrong

As I sat by the bus, suddenly he came by; out of breath, he said my name. Is this really happening? I had no place to escape so I held to my book and let him speak. I wanted to apologize. Did he really think that an apology would earn my heart?

um.. the expectation:

Boy goes to girl. He looks at her in his breathlessness. I ran to see you. I needed to apologize. You’re a really sweet girl and didn’t deserve saturday. Girl runs into boy’s arms. They walk to the car. He gives her a present. She smiles and they try to be something.

The Reality:

You have no chance. Once my mind is made up it’s irreversible. Did you not get my epic comment? “Once the flame dies, it’s done. I guess not.

We live in a world painted by movies. The guy fucks up and then he buys the girl flowers, apologizes, takes her on a date, and it’s fixed, they end up together.

He’s just not that into you. How about she’s just not feeling you. There’s this stigma that a girl must always overlook ill treatment. I don’t do this often, run after someone. Oh am I supposed to feel special? Because you literally stalked me down? Because you refused to take my no as a legitimate answer. Life isn’t always a chick flick. I like to think of myself as more of an indie girl. I like disappointment, awkwardness, and reality.

If he hadn’t fucked up, I think it would have ended regardless. He wasn’t for me. I either love someone immediately or I never really do.

It’s a flaw. Who did the wrong. No one. It just didn’t happen.

Flags, Roller Coasters, Romance is Dead

“Romance is dead” dead, gone, just not in the process, just not what I am seeking. Will you go out with me? Out with you? Why do you want me? I used to want someone. And then the feeling died. Can you not hold my hand? Where are my thoughts going?

Talking. About what? Please stop telling me about your binge drinking. I’m tired of ordinary nights with boys who talk of nothing. I’m tired of being a consolation prize. When will a guy just want to really know me, not for sex, but because they love my personality. It never happens. I must sound like a broken record of oh poor baby. You’re sad because people actually appreciate your beauty. I just want to find a connection to someone. 

I want a life roller coaster partner. Someone who makes me love life, who makes me see the beauty in life. Music must be a thing. They must have a passion for something. I want it all. Empty boys. Empty car rides. Emptiness is overrated. 

Flags like six flags. I was left alone by a boy in six flags yesterday. It was a flag that he was not the one. He attempted to make me leave. I didn’t. I just want to enjoy the feeling of flying. Don’t try to ground me. You don’t even know me. I said that before. To who? To a boy in an empty bed, who held me in his embrace. You don’t know me, and I walked away.

The flag that he is not the one:

1. His music taste stays within the safe

2. He only talks about drinking or smoking

3. He never talks about books 

4. He doesn’t talk about any underground tv shows

5. He doesn’t get my eclectic-ness

6. I don’t smile around him

7. He doesn’t make me laugh

8. He tries to hold on to me right away

9. It’s just a feeling that is either there or not.

Romance is dead. Curly haired boys just want to feel your body. They may even want to hear your words. But in the end they don’t want to be your friend. They have a goal. a happy end. Of you lying in their bed. Splat. Lame.